“If you want to meet the love of your life, look in the mirror” Byron Katie
As I continue to fully engage in the journey I have chosen, I question what it means to be on my own. I am single again after 30 years in a marriage that felt emotionally destructive as I was unable to express myself honestly and be heard… feeling misunderstood and therefore unacceptable as “me.” I recognize now that in order to grow and deepen my self-love, believing in my own worth, able to trust my inner guidance system, it was necessary for my soul to create an experience of emotional devastation.
My spirit was challenged in this way so I would have the opportunity (and choice) to embrace Robin’s authentic needs and values…coming to a conscious awareness and unwilling to settle for less than I deserve if I wanted to be in integrity with myself. However, I didn’t realize how much I depended on the “relationship” for my feelings of well being and safety until it was gone. Who am I if not defined by this relationship?
Judging myself as co-dependent, I questioned what does that mean, and is this undesirable in a significant relationship? Yes, being co-dependent comes at a high price, and yet we all have had the experience at one time or another of putting another’s head above our own, relinquishing our own needs in order to feel loved, and appreciated. This creates feelings of powerlessness, and in this way will not feed your soul, and in fact, will diminish your confidence. Giving up your “inner knowing” and needs in order to satisfy another is self-sacrificing, and will compromise your own ability to creatively self-actualize YOUR life.
I guess that means you are better off being totally independent then, is this true? It depends on your intention. I have met a large number of people who chose to avoid intimate relationships. When they start to feel their heart open, they quickly retreat. Often times these are people who have been deeply hurt, and rather than eliminate their fears, they chose to protect the wound of a broken heart..having built up walls of defense, anger, and resentment as It has become too painful to allow another human into their safe, but limited world. This bubble of negativity becomes the self-identity and we cling to our stories out of fear. When we isolate ourselves in this way……not allowing our heart to be open, it becomes self-defeating to create lasting love and divine connection in our life. In the words of author Elizabeth Appell, “And the day came when the risk to remain closed in a bud became more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” This is the day you change your life and free your heart.
Interdependency, on the other hand, is the generous sharing of our unique gifts. I rely on you and you rely on me, both knowing that we have the capacity and fortitude to live our life independently for our highest and best interest..becoming the artist of our own life. We create the life we want, living our potential and purpose…knowing that there are others with whom we can share the deepest parts of our self, giving and receiving support, manifesting empowering authentic love while remaining true to our own personal evolution. Life doesn’t get better than this.
What I also know to be true is that in our relationships it is natural to have a combination of Co-Dependency, Independence and Interdependency. As we embrace the relationships in our life, the most important thing is not to judge ourselves for our behaviors, thoughts and feeling, but rather seek a balance and know that life expressed through commitment and a passionate desire to be in relationship to provide support through honest communication for personal growth, is, for me, the most exquisite expression of an ecstatic and soulful life. We are better together… evolving through our spiritual partnerships, and in that, I say “I love you”