“This is love: To fly toward a secret sky to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment, First to let go of life, Finally to take a step without feet.” Rumi
A difficult truth…a relationship that once protected, and held your heart, may need to come to an end before you feel ready to let go. You may have felt the tremors of a deeper truth, rattling the ground beneath your certainty. A deep soul truth shook all that you believed in .… nudging you to trust what you already knew inside, but were afraid to acknowledge.
You didn’t want to feel the pain, the pain of watching love’s illusions melt away. You exhale the deep grief that can only come when you realize that you have been clinging to a fantasy, a wish of possibility that doesn’t exist.
This kind of disillusionment is one of the most intense levels of pain that you will ever know, but ultimately is meant to free you. Stay with it, allow the grief to move through you. Let it teach you what you were once too afraid to see.
The illusion is exposed, rearing its ugly head. Your soul’s quiet knowing can no longer live beneath the surface in the dark. The difficult reckoning with self-honesty hits you like an arrow to the heart piercing your false hopes and dreams.
Your heart breaks wide open, spilling the pain like “ fire on the floor” while the grief of a love that once felt so alive, so true, turns to ashes. Your heart aches, but you know that surrendering to the pain, not abandoning yourself, is what is necessary to be true to who you are becoming.
“Now who will love me”, you ask. Or, you may wonder “was I ever really loved”…did they even have the capacity to love me?
There are many feelings that mimic love that provide even more rationale for you to cling to what you have known even if it doesn’t feed your soul.
You want so much to be loved that you are willing to override your guiding instincts to the undeniable truth that you were never loved the way that really honored who you are. It was love created out of dependency, emotional need, not born from a soulful desire to grow and support one another.
The fear of loss kept you ignoring the signposts along the way “danger”, “caution”, “yield”, “stop”. Maybe the sign should have read “WAKE UP”…this relationship is not love, don’t settle for what you have convinced yourself you need to survive.
There is a song entitled “You Were Never Mine” by Delbert McClinton that reminded me of how much I wanted to believe the illusions of a love I “carried.” I heard this song, and I had an ah ah moment.
The words stunned me, it says it all….a heart longing to believe, and the awareness that the relationship was not what she thought it was all along. The tension of opposing forces in your own psyche becomes an inner war zone, each side fighting for dominance while your heart is caught in the crossfire.
The song goes like this…“I kept on believing.. the unspoken promises..that you could never keep..but it’s a sin, oh it’s sin to tell yourself a lie…I never lost you, you were never mine…”Did you give me all you gave me just because I needed you, but when I needed all your love completely..was it more than you could do?..Sometimes in the night..when I hold you in my dreams, I get lost in your loving touch, baby…I can’t believe how real it seems, and I know, yes I know..I’ll have you till the end of time..cause I never lost you, cause you were never mine”
The sentiment of the song is the realization that the man she loved wasn’t capable of loving her back. I learned through pain that we can only love to the depth that we have the capacity to accept and love ourselves.
We cannot allow the fear of being hurt or abandoned to limit how deeply we can love, often causing us to question our own value and worth. Loving without expectations for another to complete us, but rather from a place of wholeness within ourselves, is the way forward.
It seems that few people have the courage to open their heart, and risk being seen as they are, light and shadow and trust they are safe to expose the tender underbelly that is an essential component of true intimacy.
“To Know Thyself is the Beginning of Wisdom” Socrates
To know thyself takes a soul commitment to be self-aware…a willingness to remain vulnerable together while riding out the storms with emotional maturity, and a devotion to helping each other lovingly through the darkness of our shadows.
That kind of nourishing support is absolutely essential for creating a lasting emotional home for two…one that can sustain trust even when it feels like the roof is blowing off.
Many people run from love as it feels too risky, too unsafe when the soul lays naked to another. So, they would rather not love at all fearing rejection. Many people think love is ”I will do this for you if you will do that for me.” That is not love, that is a business transaction, and will not sustain a healthy, meaningful relationship.
Said so beautifully in this quote from Pablo Neruda…
“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.”
Love on fire is a willingness to truly listen…I mean really listen with an open heart….accepting, forgiving and choosing to surrender to the most sacred place within oneself where innocence and faith exists with no need to defend anything, and share that with another human being.
Love is fire and passion burning to be expressed. Love is knowing that you are more “you” when in each other’s presence. Love is the battleground of the soul so you become more authentic. You allow yourself to be utterly transformed… becoming more whole and complete than you have ever known.
Love is also the playground where you celebrate in joyous unity, and complete abandonment of “self” as you know it. Love is seeing yourself reflected in your lover’s eyes, and knowing that you have touched something divine.
The capacity to love is woven into our very DNA. You shine,you grow, you feel safe, and life just makes sense, when we unite your heart with another. But, as I experienced, many people keep their heart wrapped in armor for fear of rejection. So the walls remain, and your heart remains protected and detached.
Once a heart has been broken, you do have the choice to stay open to love although it may be painfully difficult, but well worth the effort. For, living without an open heart, is its own kind of prison.
Love on fire asks us to evolve together, and is its own reward. It invites the willingness to confront the fears, and wounds, that live beneath the surface and hold each other through them, committed to the truth.
Heartbreak, we all know it. Some of us more than others. Matters of the heart tear us apart, and cause us to doubt ourselves by pointing to all the places we have been hurt. This pain is not a punishment when transformed through love, but rather exists to help us to heal..together, which only deepens the intimacy we really desire.
Committing to work through the darkness of our psyche so that we can be more available to love is not for the faint of heart. Nothing else can be more satisfying, providing deep and fulfilling intimacy, this is Love on Fire.
I have since discovered that it’s a far more complex truth. Because, when you love from your soul there is only showing up, a heart fully engaged, listening with compassion, empathy and a genuine desire to be present, even when it’s tremendously uncomfortable, and your ego wants to run, defend, find out who is responsible for this pain.
Love has no pride, no need to control or pretend. Love only wants the best for another. In full expression, love serves as a mirror, and a witness as our unique journeys unfold in this crazy, and imperfect life. We are born to evolve, the path is winding and wrapped in layers of confusion, Such is the spiritual path, and love on fire opens the door.
Love is “knowing” a truth not of the mind, but in the quiet spaces of the heart. Love, when met with courage, personal responsibility and authenticity, becomes the key that opens the door to the most life-giving intimacy…a kind of ecstatic joy that nourishes, transforms, and becomes the eternal thread to something greater than ourselves.
Our lives are designed for purpose and meaning, and it is a committed love, where two souls meet with generous hearts that become the fire for transformation, recognizing that sometimes we must accept that the relationship has reached its end.
There is wisdom and deep soul growth that transcends the mind’s logic when we offer ourselves fully to another with the intention to weather life’s storms together when necessary…diving into our deepest self, and asking the difficult questions while accepting the shadow and light of who we are.
In true loving support, we get to witness the incredible, sometimes messy and raw, but extraordinary brilliance of another…a light that emboldens us, and gives our life the meaning we are here to experience. We learn to love without attachment, but in truth, it’s then that we are truly empowered.
My greatest wish for you is to recognize love with all its faces and complexities. Be that Love on Fire, there is nothing else more real, exquisitely sacred, and is rewarding beyond what you can dare to imagine.
With my whole heart for your continued healing through love’s gifts,
RJ
