“I want love, passion, honesty, and companionship…sex that drives me crazy and conversation that drives me sane.” – Unknown author
We all deeply desire to be loved, but what do we believe we have to give up to receive the kind of love we want? What expectations are you willing to give up (or at the very least question) to receive that love? Can we just be ourselves?..cultivating a great relationships based on truth and authenticity.
Throughout our life we spend a good deal of time in relationship quandaries and upsets. We ask the same questions over and over in our minds. Does she respect me? Does he love me enough? What will keep our closeness alive? How do we communicate our needs in a way that can be better understood? Am I enough just as I am?
Is she capable of meeting my needs? Can I make him happy while being true to myself? Can I be free to be “me” and still be in this relationship? Do I deserve to be loved? Can I have the freedom to explore my own needs, and maintain a committed relationship? (This is a big one!) https://robinjillian.com/commitment-what-does-it-look-like/
Endlessly we question, evaluate and discern the truth for ourselves. You may ask, is it even possible to “make” another person happy? I say, not until you fully embrace your own needs and values first.… only then are you free to fully offer your authentic self.
You must recognize that your happiness always begins with your relationship to yourself.
How do you do that? A good place to start is to look deep inside yourself, and consider the questions I have presented… recognizing that your happiness always begins with your relationship to yourself. There I said it, amen.
For example, if you believe that you cannot fully be yourself and be loved as you are, that creates an emotional dissonance antithetical to lasting love.
Many relationships don’t work out so well… even after you have invested your heart, and experienced much love, joy and personal growth as a result of being together.
Painful relationship endings are happening all the time with anger and resentment, but why? If you are expecting different behavior…wanting your partner to be in alignment with your needs, but not accepting them for who they actually are….that will create challenges that are nearly impossible to overcome, and eventually heartbreak.
There are so many doubts when it comes to how to love another without giving up your essential nature. Your past hurts, and disappointments strongly influence your beliefs that have now become your “truth”, but in reality it’s the fear of being hurt again that prevents you from opening your heart, …allowing the kind of vulnerability that is essential to true intimacy.
“It is easier to find fault and blame with those close to you rather than accept the disillusionment that is a result of your stories around what love is and what love is not.”
Can you listen and honor your own inner desires and needs without judgment and blame…not expecting someone else to fulfill that for you, but rather allow the space for the truth of who they are?
If you shut down your heart in fear, you are still living in the past. Your soul speaks to you, but you must be “awake” and willing to listen. Easier said than done. I get it, and it is so difficult. You feel so afraid to open up and risk the pain again. Do we really have a choice if we want to live open hearted and feel all the love that is here for us?
The soul only knows unconditional love, acceptance, and compassion….guiding you to what is in your highest and best interest, which often seems unclear and terrifying.
It is your habitual ways of being and fear of the unknown that causes you to hang on to the familiar, and then you lose sight of what is possible. What I have come to realize is that your pain and heartbreak in relationships comes, in a big part, from your being unaware of your expectations.
It is as though there is a written contract that lives in your head, so to speak, as to what a person should or will provide in the relationship, and what you “should” receive in return.
It is tremendously important that you communicate your essential needs clearly without judging the other person as “wrong” when their values and needs are different than yours.
Could it be that your expectations (delivered seamlessly via the loud and heavily conditioned voices in your head)are holding you back from fully being able to appreciate and “see” the opportunity to experience an ecstatic kind of love?
Can a healthy relationship bring the kind of joy and self-awareness that will add tremendously to your happiness and personal fulfillment? Yes, it can. And, furthermore, can you acknowledge that your needs and values will change over time? Keeping the lines of communication open is essential.
There is a difference between clearly defined and reasonable expectations and unreasonable expectations. Unreasonable expectations are based on fear of not having needs met, and the false beliefs we hold based upon past relationship experiences. Can you see the distinction?
In my opinion, you are the only one that can decide what is reasonable and unreasonable. You must decide what is meaningful for you, and if necessary end a relationship without drama, or personality assassinations.
It is worth examining what you consider to be reasonable expectations, welcoming the support that a loving relationship offers without placing demands in order to feel secure..rather respecting the true needs of the other.
If you are willing to examine your ideology of what you believe love is and how you think about your intimate relationships in terms of expectations, you will become more present with you and more empowered in the process. It is essential that you become aware of the thoughts lurking underneath your past conditioning, which can cause you to have unreasonable expectations in the intimate arena.
It is your misperception and belief about your past (the stories you have created as “truth”) that cause you to behave in ways that breeds mistrust and angry confrontations, which ultimately leads to emotional disconnection in your relationships, and the “need” to create expectations.
As we come face to face with our expectations and don’t allow our outwardly projected stories to run our romantic show, we have a chance of allowing authentic, free-flowing love to be the guiding force in our life. Easier said than done, but worth the effort, trust me. I love you, and am here to support you on your journey of awakening. “Free the Heart and Evolve the Soul.”
With all my love, RJ
To learn more about my personal journey, my memoir “Hugging Trees in the Dark… Finding the Courage to Free the Heart” is now available on Amazon. My past podcasts and blogs can be found at www.robinjillian.com and awakenradio.net.