“Everything in the Universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.” – Rumi
I was in a loving marriage for almost 30 years. When I awakened to the reality that the relationship no longer supported my growth and personal evolution, I knew that in order to stay in integrity with myself, I had to end the relationship. End it I did, but not without a tremendous amount of angst.
After all, “to thine own self be true” or not I suppose that’s up to you. For me, it took years of battling with my own inner demons (of which there were many), to recognize that I had a strong belief that I “needed” someone else to be complete and receive love. Having a partner was and still is my preference, but now I recognize more and more all the time that if you don’t really love and value your relationship with yourself, you have nothing.
Leaving the marriage, I felt guilty, inadequate, shameful and judgmental of my own needs. After all, didn’t I make a commitment? Thou shall not break commitments was my bible, and although I wasn’t aware of the broken record playing in my head, nevertheless it was haunting me underneath the surface of my thoughts…like a punishing ghost of days gone by.
It was only after tremendous amounts of pain and anxiety that I came to a place of realizing I was allowed to have needs, and it was okay to have those needs met. I began to fall in love with Robin, and with that, my marriage was over.
But what about commitment… doesn’t that mean anything? Can we just decide to change our minds after making a commitment to someone? What if that commitment implies to love someone till death do part?
Can love die or be sufficiently diminished giving you a reason to leave and then it is okay? Is it acceptable to break a commitment if your partner has changed in ways that are no longer in sync with your newly developing values/needs?
Maybe you feel that this person no longer adds to your joy and happiness. Is it ever justified to break a commitment, or more accurately said.. is there a reason you are feeling a need to be justified?
I would suggest that you completely reevaluate your understanding of the word commitment. I have come to recognize that the way most people view commitments is really a concept that has been shoved down our throats since the beginning of time.
“How have you been conditioned to look at commitments? How does that differ from being in alignment with your own authentic heart?”
The way I see it is that we can really only ever commit to ourselves. If we chose to live an authentic, awakened and spiritual life, where all our relationships are about the love of truth, personal growth, and self-empowerment, there can be no other way. Only then can we truly offer the beauty, and wholeness of love given freely.
How can we commit to the evolution of our soul, all the ebbs, flows and changes, and still allow that in each moment we get to decide without demands or feelings of obligation to another?
That idea is an important one to think about. This doesn’t mean that love cannot last over a lifetime, but the kind of love it takes to commit to another human being must allow for personal growth and ultimately transformation, and that sometimes means ending a relationship that no longer serves your soul’s evolution.
Therefore, what can we commit to? We can commit to being true to ourselves…. looking deep inside for our own truth and wisdom, leaving behind what we have been taught to believe and feeling bad if we feel differently.
We can stop blaming others and projecting our own “crap” in order to justify our own values and needs thereby making it “okay” in our minds to end a relationship. We can be honest with ourselves, and allow the freedom to be who we are…eliminating the “should’s” and “have to’s”.
You can choose to love yourself, living life fully with intention and passion. You can decide to love FREELY with your entire heart and soul while making the choice to commit to yourself… while entertaining very uncomfortable truths about what you want and value. All your relationships will be more loving and satisfying as a result.
With all my love, RJ
To learn more about my personal journey, my memoir “Hugging Trees in the Dark… Finding the Courage to Free the Heart” is now available on Amazon. My past podcasts and blogs can be found at www.robinjillian.com and awakenradio.net.