The More you Know Yourself, The More you Forgive Yourself – Confucious

I left a 30-year marriage, sold my business of 24 years, and moved across the country in answer to a soul calling to expand and become a more enlightened “me”.  All I had known was gone, and much of what I believed to be true about the world needed to be reexamined and replaced with deeper spiritual principles and values.

Lately, I have been feeling as though I am reliving the stories and hurts of the past that I perceived as healed.  Situations and circumstances that had been painful, even traumatic, seemed to resurface. The regrets and guilt of the past came flooding in.

It took over 2 1/2 yrs. experiencing the Darkest period in my life to regain my footing.…why would I need to return to the pain of judgment and self-rejection?  However, that is what I am living with at this moment, and as I see it, I have no choice but to relinquish control in the spirit of love and accept my imperfectness and face reality.

If I resist looking deep into my painful thoughts, it continues to hurt.  When I find the determination and courage to embrace the unwanted feelings, I experience a new peace and clarity inside of me.  More layers of the onion are presenting themselves for healing. The only way I know how to find resolution in the struggle is with love and self-forgiveness, and it feels impossible at times.  I ask myself what kind of life will I live if I continue to beat myself up and cling to the past instead of creating the future I really want? What am I clinging to?

When I see myself fighting fearfully to hold on to the old patterns of behavior,  I remember the wisdom and the strength that I have gained through my Dark Night….I remind myself that all is well, my source is with me, and I maintain the faith and trust in the process of awakening as I am challenged once again to become more conscious, and in tune with my soul’s true desires. I find myself needing to go into the darkness, and accept myself as I am…right now.

The good news is that I have gained a self-loving perspective, and can observe the old stories that are still circulating in my head, knowing they are lies of self-condemnation and shame. I have learned not to listen to the negative voices even when they insist on being heard.  I deserve to live a fulfilling life, and I humbly realize and appreciate that I am not perfect.  I am dearly loved as less than perfect, and even more important I love myself as less than perfect.

I honor and support your soul’s journey of intentional self-forgiveness, love, and gratitude,  RJ

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